Jokes Feed

Government and the Ten Commandments

I saw this over at What's On My Mind Today. It is priceless and I had to share it with you.


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or government building is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.


Now you know that's funny. No offense to my friends that are lawyers, judges and politicians; I'm sure you've heard worse.


© 2008, Vanessa: Unplugged!,

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The Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'"

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, and she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with."

© 2008, Vanessa: Unplugged!,

Remembering George Carlin

There are only a few comedians that have made me laugh and think. One of them is George Carlin. Here is a video of the first George Carlin routine that I remember. Don't press the play button on the video if you're offended by profanity.

There are other classic Carlin routines such as The Ten Commandments and the Seven Dirty Words. I have to smile when I think of him, Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce holding court in the afterlife. It was sad learning of his transition yesterday but I'm glad to have witnessed his genius. May he rest in peace.

Don't mess with old ladies!

Forwarded by a Friend...

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have one??
Older Woman: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: Can I see your vehicles registration please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: Because I stole this car.
Officer: You stole it??
Older Woman: Yes. . . and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what???
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk.
Do you want to see?

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes, five police cars surround the womans car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

. . . The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes. . . could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk . . . revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes. . . here's my registration papers.

. . . The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her license to the officer. The officer examines the license and looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: And I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies !!

Blonde Joke Monday: Car for sale

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

A Scientist Meets God

Forwarded by a Friend...

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the "beginning."

Oh, is that so? Tell me..., replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

Blonde Joke Monday: How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Blonde Joke Monday: Let's go to DisneyWorld!

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

Blonde Joke Monday: New Windows

Vanessa: Unplugged!

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my
House with those expensive
Double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who Installed them. He was complaining that the Windows had been installed a whole year ago and I Hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't Mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his
Fast-talking sales guy had told ME Last year.. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these Windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the Line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too Embarrassed about forgetting the Guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore !

How to Determine Your Age by Eating Out; I don't know how it works but it does.

Forwarded by a Friend...


Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


This is pretty neat.

It takes less than a minute.  Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757...
If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!!!)